A little more faith

I’m writing this after having taken a nap that lasted too long. I know I should be asleep, but I’m awake because I feel mostly rested. I’ve spent this time waiting for my Windows platform to rebuild, re-installing my Linux toolbox, and setting up a Sterile windows environment to test from. In the mean time, I’d like to write a few thoughts about why it’s important that we squeeze as much faith out of ourselves as possible.

We all experience trials in our lives, trials that will stretch us to the breaking point. Kierkegaard muses vicariously through Johannes de Silentio in “Fear and Trembling” that Abraham’s struggle to sacrifice Isaac was necessary for him, and that we are all placed in a similar position at some point in our lives, a position where God asks of us everything we have to offer with no guarantee of restoration. Abraham had been promised seed numbered as “the stars in the heaven” and “the sands of the sea” but, ironically, had Isaac in his old age after years of struggles to do so. Then, God commands Abraham to sacrifice his son. Without even delving into the ethical argument of murder, that’s a very steep request. Sacrifice his heir, the means by which Abraham would have his promise fulfilled? Even without the promise, to sacrifice his son would be a fantastic irony, for Abraham’s father had almost had him sacrificed too.

Notwithstanding the pain, anguish, and sorrow of the commandment, Abraham saddled his ass and set off to sacrifice Isaac. The three day journey and the moment before the sacrifice must have been full of anguish at the thought of his present task. But, Abraham could not doubt, nor could he shrink from this commandment. Doing so would have destroyed him, his covenant, and perhaps even Isaac as well. To falter would have been fatal. But, Abraham was faithful, he resigned himself to this infinitely sorrowful call, and he carried out the command to the last moment when it was rescinded. The covenant was kept, Isaac came home, and Abraham became immortal.

Now, as I said before, everyone is called upon at some point to put everything on the altar with no reservations. “Everything” is a very loose term and is flexible between individuals, but the infinite value of the offering is common between everyone when they experience this. The real test of faith here is that God will not demand all and restore none but, rather, that God will demand all and restore in full plus interest, that not only will Isaac come home, but your story will last forever and comfort the troubled souls of millions, that you will inherit eternity.

So, why am I writing about this? I think it’s because I’m sensing what the future will be like. I leave on a mission almost 4 months to the day. I sense that when I leave, I will truly be leaving everything on the altar. I have a fledgling company that is rapidly taking shape and gaining steam. I have the most wonderful friends and companions. I have a loving family that has always supported me. I am riding on a wave of growth and progress that I am sacrificing in the name of serving a full time mission. This only makes sense, for I have been saving my best of the Lord and will be giving him what I’m worth. Also, I understand that missionary service is when life begins for many individuals, so at the very least I will benefit greatly from this decision to serve. But, in the face of all the promised blessings and support, truly consecrating myself for two years, putting my life on the altar, and missing opportunities and experiences here at home in favor of opportunities and experiences abroad will be a challenge, a great struggle for me spiritually and emotionally.

The Lord demands his best, and I’m going to give it to him. Really, to do otherwise would be ludicrous. But for me to leave it all behind, that will be the greatest trial I have had to endure in my life. As Kierkegaard suggested, you can either be a Knight of Infinite Resignation, consigning oneself to the sacrifice and nobly bearing that burden forever, or you can be a Knight of Faith. A Knight of Faith performs the acts of the Knight of Infinite Resignation, however they make a double movement. In the words of Kierkegaard, this Knight makes the movement of infinite resignation (aka, they are able to fully and completely sacrifice without reservation), but they make a second movement. Rather than bear the weight of their call nobly and silently, they make a second movement of faith. “By virtue of the absurd” (in essence, with no evidence to support their belief), they have full faith that God will restore them their sacrifice, that he will magnify their sacrifice as a blessing with increase, and that not even a flake of skin will be missing from their Isaac that they placed upon the altar. These Knights of Faith enjoy a blessing of ease with their burden, in that they know without experience but through perfect faith that they need not fear. One could even rationalize this by believing in God as an omnipotent being, for we are imperfect with limited vision and he is perfect with infinite sight, therefore if he commands something it always must be right, even if we don’t like it.

In summary, God demands everything from us at one point or another. It may be through emotional trauma, a mission, broken promises, broken homes, commandments, or a myriad of other contexts. Regardless of the individual, the demands, and the sacrifice, it is imperative that we have a little more faith, that we have faith that God knows what he is doing, that God will lead us safely through our troubles, and that we can make that double movement of fully and completely sacrificing what has been asked of us without reservation, following up with a movement of faith that God will restore everything and more if we are faithful. I fear that in my present circumstances, I am not entitled to the peace of the Knight of Faith that comes from having perfect faith in God, but that I am required to experience the silent burden of the Knight of Resignation first. Perhaps my faith is imperfect, or perhaps this is in and of itself a sacrifice I must make that will be rewarded after my infinite resignation and the proving of my faith. Regardless, I know that having a little more faith, being a little more sensitive, and exercising a little more trust can save the sorrowful soul, simplify the pain ridden life, and concentrate the joy of following the spirit. I hope I can have the faith to answer to the demands of God. I believe that once I am in the field, my pain may be replaced with intensity and power, and that I will not look back. But, in the mean time, I will search for the meaning in this experience and, when I find it, I’ll be sure to share.